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George Carlin Quotes / Quotations

Always do whatever's next.
Quotation of George Carlin


At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Quotation of George Carlin


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Quotation of George Carlin


By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Quotation of George Carlin


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Quotation of George Carlin


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Quotation of George Carlin


Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Quotation of George Carlin


Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Quotation of George Carlin


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Quotation of George Carlin


Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Quotation of George Carlin


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Quotation of George Carlin


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Quotation of George Carlin


I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Quotation of George Carlin


I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Quotation of George Carlin


I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
Quotation of George Carlin


I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
Quotation of George Carlin


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
Quotation of George Carlin


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Quotation of George Carlin


I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Quotation of George Carlin


I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Quotation of George Carlin


I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Quotation of George Carlin


I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
Quotation of George Carlin


If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
Quotation of George Carlin


If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Quotation of George Carlin


If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
Quotation of George Carlin


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Quotation of George Carlin


In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Quotation of George Carlin


Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Quotation of George Carlin


Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Quotation of George Carlin


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Quotation of George Carlin


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Quotation of George Carlin


Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
Quotation of George Carlin


One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
Quotation of George Carlin


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Quotation of George Carlin


People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Quotation of George Carlin


Religion is just mind control.
Quotation of George Carlin


Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Quotation of George Carlin


Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Quotation of George Carlin


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Quotation of George Carlin


The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Quotation of George Carlin


The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Quotation of George Carlin


The status quo sucks.
Quotation of George Carlin


The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
Quotation of George Carlin


There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Quotation of George Carlin


There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Quotation of George Carlin


Think off-center.
Quotation of George Carlin


Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Quotation of George Carlin


Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Quotation of George Carlin


What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
Quotation of George Carlin


When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Quotation of George Carlin


When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
Quotation of George Carlin


When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Quotation of George Carlin


When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Quotation of George Carlin


You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
Quotation of George Carlin


You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Quotation of George Carlin


 
 
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