Joan Rivers Celeb Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotations, Inspirational Quotes
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Joan Rivers Quotes / Quotations

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Never floss with a stranger.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Quotation of Joan Rivers


 
 
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Joan Rivers Events

Joan Rivers arrives at LAX airport

2013-12-05

Gray Line New York Sightseeing Tours Honors Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers and WE TV's "Joan

2013-03-01

Celebrities outside The Ed Sullivan Theater for 'The David Letterman Show' on - 10.05.11

2011-05-10

Joan Rivers was a special guest at an event held by eyewear manufacturer LensCrafters

2011-04-27

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