Seth Meyers Celeb Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotations, Inspirational Quotes
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Seth Meyers Quotes / Quotations

My mother is an incredibly beautiful woman who has laughed at every single thing my father's ever said. At a young age, my brother and I understood that if you can make girls laugh, you can punch well above your weight class.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


I love cheese plates. Though I actually hate cheese plates. Because I can't say no to them.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


I enjoy talking about politics a great deal.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


I'm strictly a sugar-free Red Bull guy. I'd rather enjoy my sugar intake elsewhere.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


The first time I had disposable income, the two things I cared most about were a television and a couch.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


When my girlfriend and I talk about being happy, I'll get choked up, which I think is the greatest gift you can give a girlfriend.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


People appreciate it when you take some time to think about who will be listening to your jokes.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


The nice thing about anger is that, as an emotion, it's strong enough to unplug me from the comedian's mind for a minute and just be a frustrated member of the citizenry.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It's weird to sit as a comedian. Being still drives me crazy.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It's not like I'm handy.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It's nice when I get offered small parts. But I really think that 'SNL' is what my skill set is best designed for.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


My father is sort of the jokester. My dad is still the funniest guy in our family.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


I'm a terrible grocery shopper. I hardly ever do it. And if I do, there's never more than three things in the bag.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


'SNL' after-parties are sort of like a time to celebrate your successes and drown your sorrows, depending on how the show went for you.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


President Obama reacted to his Nobel Peace Prize win saying, 'I accept this award as a call to action.' That's great, but just as a reminder, that's what the election was too.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Starting Monday, 7-11 will begin testing a new plastic wrap designed to keep bananas yellow and firm for five days. Though if your banana remains firm for more than 5 days call a doctor immediately.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It was announced Friday that golf and rugby will be added to the Olympic Games in 2016. Though to save time they will be combined into one sport.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


The November issue of Playboy magazine will feature Marge Simpson on the cover. So I guess we'll finally find out if the beehive matches the carpet.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It was announced that Rush Limbaugh will be a judge for the 2010 Miss America pageant. This is an early boost to miss Connecticut, whose talent is filling out illegal prescriptions.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested for putting a forged 50 dollar check in a church offering plate and for stealing a woman's wallet from a pew. But you know what? A lot of people don't even go to church.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Conservative lawmakers in Egypt have called for a ban on imports of a kit meant to help women fake their virginity on their wedding night. The kit consists of a back brace and a Battlestar Galactica nightie.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, 'Forward'. Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a woman's car after skipping out on the check on their first date. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that he did that, or the fact that she's still counting it as a date.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A new book released this week about President Obama reveals details of his relationship with ex-girlfriend Genevieve Cook, including that she spent the night at his apartment on their first date. So at least there was a time when he could get things done quickly.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Iran on Thursday agreed to open its newly revealed uranium enrichment plant to international inspectors in the next two weeks and to send most of its enriched uranium to Russia to be turned into fuel. See, nothing to worry about. They're just enriching tons of uranium and sending it to Russ--wait, what?
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It was reported this week that director Roman Polanski's arrest on unlawful sex charges came as he arrived in Switzerland where he was to attend a film festival and receive a lifetime achievement award. In light of this, Osama bin Laden will be given the Irving G. Thalberg award at this year's Oscars.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


According to the doctor who performed his autopsy report, Michael Jackson was mostly in fine physical shape when he died. The doctor then added, 'Oh- nope- hang on, I had the chart upside down, god no in heaven
Quotation of Seth Meyers


On Wednesday, a 55 year-old inmate escaped from Rikers Island after he convinced guards that he was a lawyer. Guards probably should've become suspicious when he was wearing a suit he carved out of soap.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A new study shows that kids who eat a lot of candy are more likely to be arrested for violent behavior as adults, said that weird old lady who gives out apples on Halloween.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It is being reported that Kate Hudson may be pregnant with boyfriend Alex Rodriguez's baby. If true it would be the first time A-Rod has ever produced in October.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A high school in Georgia has banned its cheerleaders from displaying football banners with biblical verses on them as school-sponsored groups cannot promote a particular religious view. I believe the quote in question refers to Jesus, who once said of the Pharasees, 'push 'em back, push 'em back, waaaay back.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


On Thursday a boy hid in a box. So, I guess that was a faster way to tell that story.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Republican Senator Olympia Snowe warned Tuesday that while she crossed party lines to vote for the new health care bill in Committee, that doesn't mean that she will vote for it when it reaches the Senate floor. Adding, 'come on, guys, chase me.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Olympia Snowe's vote was hailed as a victory for bipartisanship. So now you only need one Republican to be bipartisan? Those are pretty low standards. That's like saying you're bi-lingual if you say "ola" to the nanny.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Two volunteer groups in Arizona have set up cameras on the Mexican border, so that people with fast internet connections can sign up to monitor the cameras remotely and report illegal immigrants. Said one illegal immigrant, 'Hey, free camera!'
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It was reported this week that Luciano Pavarotti lip-synched his final performance at the 2006 Torino Winter Olympics because the bitter cold made it impossible for him to sing. Many spectators grew suspicious when midway through the song, Pavarotti ate a turkey sub.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Police in Wisconsin are searching for three men who stole $24,000 dollars worth of Miller beer. $24,000 dollars worth of Miller? Did they steal all of it?
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A topless photo of Carla Bruni, the model turned current French first lady, was sold at auction Thursday for 91,000 dollars, to someone who is clearly not familiar with Google Image search.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A local government in Indonesia is attempting to curb prostitution by asking masseuses to wear a padlock on their pants. But if I know masseuses, I have a feeling this story still has a happy ending.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Although many in Chicago were disappointed, with the decision of the International Olympic Committee, Cubs fans took the news best as they're used to hearing the phrase'Chicago has been eliminated.'
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Surgeons from Johns Hopkins University Hospital successfully performed the first-ever 6-way kidney transplant last Saturday. Disturbingly, all 6 patients had only gone in for flu shots.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many quarters including Nancy Reagan who called him 'an American hero,' President Bush, who described him as an 'advocate for liberty,' and apes, who called him 'Public Enemy 1.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


In anticipation of Pope Benedict's trip to New York next week, t-shirts, mugs, posters and Pope bobblehead dolls are going on sale all over the city. After all, the pope deserves the same respect and admiration that we bestow upon 'Scarface.'
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Amy Winehouse was arrested Wednesday in connection with a video that allegedly shows her doing drugs at a party. Winehouse could be looking at real jail time under England's harsh 'bazillion strikes' law.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


According to a new survey, the national average price for regular gasoline rose about 15 cents in the last two weeks. Meaning that if gas gets any more expensive, rappers will start to drink it.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A Swiss man this week successfully tested a new device he built which is a retractable wing with four jet engines strapped to his back. In an interview the man said he envisions a day when everyone will die this way.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Swedish automaker Saab admitted this week that for certain tests they used human cadavers as crash-test dummies. Worse, they weren't cadavers before the test.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


This week New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, 'the Trifecta.'
Quotation of Seth Meyers


An online auction to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy Memorial, a human rights advocacy group, is selling tea with Alan Greenspan for 11,000 dollars. Or, for twelve thousand, you can have the tea alone.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Astronauts living on the International Space Station will soon be getting their drinking water from a new system that recycles their urine into drinkable water. Said one Space Station astronaut, 'It would have been nice to get a heads-up on that before we got here.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A man in Florida is suing after he was ticketed on a beach for wearing a Speedo. Though, in fairness, he was wearing it as an ascot.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A man in Australia has been fined after buckling a case of beer with a seatbelt, but leaving a 5 year-old child to sit on the car's floor. Earning him the title of 'World's Australian-est Man.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Britney Spears was involved in another car collision on Tuesday when she hit the back of an SUV in Beverly Hills. Damage was minimal though, as Spears was on foot.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


John Hammons, a 19 year-old freshman at the University of Oklahoma, became the mayor of Muskogee this week, when he was the last person in town to shout 'not it!
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, Morgan Freeman and Barbara Streisand will be recognized at the Kennedy Center Honors this December...as the worst version of The Who ever assembled.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A middle school teacher in Montana suffered some bruising and a large scratch on his back after he struck a bear while riding his bicycle to school and not, repeat not from a night of meth-fueled rough sex with a stranger.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Drew Gray, a 5-year-old in Illinois scored a hole-in-one at a par 3 golf course this week, though he still finished the day 229 over par.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, will be replaced by Matt Cassel an untested inexperienced back-up. Earning Cassel the nickname, 'Sarah Palin'.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A freshman at Michigan State University was randomly assigned to the same dorm room his father occupied in 1978. A fact that will no doubt cross his mind every time he masturbates.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Russell Crowe recently pleaded with Australian authorities to grant entry into the country for his friend Snoop Dogg, who is banned because of his drug arrests. Begging the question, 'Is there a worse guy to vouch for you than Russell Crowe?
Quotation of Seth Meyers


OJ Simpson's trial for kidnapping, armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon started Monday. Man, you know you've lived a crazy life when a trial for kidnapping, armed robbery and assault isn't your most interesting trial.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A tailor in Serbia in planning to make a pair of pants that are large enough to fit 100 men. The story is detailed in the new movie'Brotherhood of the Jostling Weiners'.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A man in Michigan stole nearly 250 empty beer cans from a 7-11 store and then told police that his crack cocaine habit drove him to do it. So they had you on stealing empty cans and you gave them a major charge? That's like saying 'Sorry about the littering, officer, I'm just so distracted ever since I killed my wife.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Star Trek's George Takei and his longtime partner, Brad Altman, were married this past Sunday. Set your phasers on STUNNING! The couple vowed to boldly go where no man has gone before except the both of them with each other, many, many times
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Lawrence Ellison top the Forbes list of the top 10 richest people in the U.S. having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly eight thousand dollars.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Pope Benedict delivered an anti-euthanasia message this week, saying that people must accept death at 'the hour chosen by God.' And then he rode away in a heavily armored, bulletproof car.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A New Jersey man is suing two men for allegedly using Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar. By the time police arrived, the man had been Super Poked beyond recognition.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Police in Portland, Oregon told a woman who was skating nude to stop after construction workers complained. Which raises the question: what in God's name has happened to construction workers?
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Sunday's 60th Primetime Emmy Awards were hosted by the five reality show nominees in an apparent attempt to make us hate television.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Animal rights group PETA is urging Ben and Jerry's to replace the milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk. After which, Ben and Jerry's introduced their new flavor, Chocolate Chip Minkcuz they're not gonna use breast milk.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Karta, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday, after she short-circuited an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching 10th grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat 10th grade English.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca's suicide note.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A company in Japan has developed a set of kneepads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splash back when they urinate. Also, that's not what they're for.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Treasury secretary Henry Paulson said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion dollars. To give you an idea of how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


The first presidential debate took place last night, and earlier in the week Barack Obama said he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not. Marking the first time in history that a black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Police in California arrested a man who tried to smuggle songbirds into the US by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles Airport. Police became suspicious when they noticed the man was twittering without a blackberry.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A pair of identical twins in China married another pair of identical twins. What are the odds of that? Actually, in China, about 3 to 1.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A Philadelphia museum has rejected a request to test its sample of Abraham Lincoln's blood to see if the 16th president had a rare genetic disorder. Which is weird, because I thought we were pretty clear on cause of death.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of Mafia boss John Gotti. In related news...the JP Morgan bank has just been found floating in the East River.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A New York businessman is launching a new kosher tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo. 'Finally,' said Pablo Goldberg.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


President Obama on Thursday night hosted what may be the first Seder in the White House. And, in a sign of popularity, Elijah showed up.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A new study finds that almost one in five American 4 year olds are obese. Thanks in no small part to new Lunchables Extreme.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Developers this week introduced the PUMA, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is a fast, safe and clean way to show people that you're a rich weirdo.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Evanger's Dog and Cat food company has released a line of kosher food for pets. In this case kosher means that all of the food has been blessed by a rabbit.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A man in Russia, who drank three bottles of vodka and survived a 50 foot fall from a balcony after he jumped to get away from his nagging wife, survived a second jump after his wife continued to nag him. I don't know what brand of vodka it was, but that should be the commercial for it.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Police in Germany scrambled helicopters over a forest after getting reports of hysterical sounds that people thought were the cries of someone being murdered, but instead turned out to be someone laughing at a book he was reading. Ah, Germans always confusing laughter and murder
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Louis Caldera, the White House Aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over Manhattan resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with PhotoShop. You don't have to fly Air Force One over Manhattan to get a picture of Air Force One over Manhattan. Look here's Air Force One at the pyramids. Here it is in a crowded elevator. And here it is on the red carpet with the Space Shuttle. And of course there is the popular children's book, 'Where's Air Force One?'
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Pope Benedict on Friday began his first trip to the Middle East in hopes that the Catholic Church can play a role in the region's peace process. And because it's the Middle East, he traveled in the official pope mobile inside another pope mobile.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


ESPN is reporting that the drug that resulted in Manny Ramirez's suspension from baseball was a fertility drug. How did a fertility drug make him a better baseball player. That's not his bat.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A man in West Virginia sank two consecutive holes-in-one this week. Said the man's wife, 'Oh, is that a lot?.'
Quotation of Seth Meyers


This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited to meet a black guy since Michael Jordan's Fantasy Camp.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


After First Lady Michelle Obama was photographed in London this week wearing clothes from J. Crew, the store has been selling out of the clothes she was seen wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Indian car maker Tata motors, has unveiled the world's cheapest car, which sells for 2000 dollars. The Tata is not the world's most attractive car, but they look better when you push two of them together.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Three boys in southwest Michigan, who were looking for old bottles, discovered a bone from a mammoth. So they made a bong out of that instead.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


A government study has found that traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel were found in samples of powdered baby formula, and could exceed what is considered a safe dose. On the upside, flying babies.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


Suspended NFL star Michael Vick told a bankruptcy court on Friday that his time in prison has given him a chance to think and he realized that he "can't live like the old Mike Vick." Mostly because that guy lives in prison.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It was reported this week that a man who was proposing to his girlfriend on the Brooklyn Bridge dropped the ring, causing it to fall to the road below. The story has a happy ending though...the man didn't have to get engaged.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg on Thursday praised the Reverend Al Sharpton calling him a 'calming influence on the city.' Wow. What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?.
Quotation of Seth Meyers


It has been rumored that during his first concert in London this summer, Michael Jackson's son Prince Michael the first, will make a surprise appearance on stage. Where it's expected he will point to his dad and tell the police officer accompanying him, 'That's the guy.'
Quotation of Seth Meyers


 
 
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Seth Meyers Events

66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Nokia Theatre

2014-08-26

2014 NBC Universal Press Tour held at The Beverly Hilton Hotel

2014-07-13

The 2011 ESPY Awards held at the Nokia Theatre L.A. Live - Pressroom

2011-07-13

The 2011 ESPY Awards held at the Nokia Theatre L.A. Live

2011-07-13

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