Woody Allen Celeb Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotations, Inspirational Quotes
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Woody Allen Quotes / Quotations

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Quotation of Woody Allen


A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Quotation of Woody Allen


And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
Quotation of Woody Allen


As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Quotation of Woody Allen


He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Quotation of Woody Allen


His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Quotation of Woody Allen


How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Quotation of Woody Allen


I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I am two with nature.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Quotation of Woody Allen


I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Quotation of Woody Allen


I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Quotation of Woody Allen


I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Quotation of Woody Allen


If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Quotation of Woody Allen


If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Quotation of Woody Allen


If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Quotation of Woody Allen


If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Quotation of Woody Allen


If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Quotation of Woody Allen


In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Quotation of Woody Allen


In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Quotation of Woody Allen


In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Quotation of Woody Allen


It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Quotation of Woody Allen


It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Quotation of Woody Allen


It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Quotation of Woody Allen


It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Marriage is the death of hope.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Quotation of Woody Allen


My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Quotation of Woody Allen


My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Quotation of Woody Allen


On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Quotation of Woody Allen


Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Quotation of Woody Allen


The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Quotation of Woody Allen


The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
Quotation of Woody Allen


The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Quotation of Woody Allen


The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Quotation of Woody Allen


The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Quotation of Woody Allen


The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
Quotation of Woody Allen


The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Quotation of Woody Allen


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Quotation of Woody Allen


Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Quotation of Woody Allen


To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Quotation of Woody Allen


What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Quotation of Woody Allen


What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Quotation of Woody Allen


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Quotation of Woody Allen


When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Quotation of Woody Allen


Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Quotation of Woody Allen


Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Quotation of Woody Allen


You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Quotation of Woody Allen


 
 
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Woody Allen Events

2011 Cannes International Film Festival - Day 1 - Opening Ceremony and Midnight In Paris - Premiere - Arrivals

2011-05-11

2011 Cannes International Film Festival - Day 1 - Midnight In Paris - Photocall

2011-05-11

2011 Cannes International Film Festival - Day 1 - Midnight In Paris - Photocall - Outside Arrivals

2011-05-11

The Cinema Society screening of 'You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger' held at MoMA

2010-09-14

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