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Jon Stewart Quotes / Quotations

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I feel your scorn and I accept it.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but it was too long.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
Quotation of Jon Stewart


There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."
Quotation of Jon Stewart


Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
Quotation of Jon Stewart


 
 
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