Steven Wright Celeb Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotes, Celebrity Quotations, Inspirational Quotes
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Steven Wright Quotes / Quotations

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Quotation of Steven Wright


At one point he decided enough was enough.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Quotation of Steven Wright


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Quotation of Steven Wright


Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Quotation of Steven Wright


Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Quotation of Steven Wright


For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Quotation of Steven Wright


George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Hermits have no peer pressure.
Quotation of Steven Wright


How young can you die of old age?
Quotation of Steven Wright


I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Quotation of Steven Wright


I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I invented the cordless extension cord.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Quotation of Steven Wright


I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Quotation of Steven Wright


I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Quotation of Steven Wright


I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Quotation of Steven Wright


I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Quotation of Steven Wright


I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Quotation of Steven Wright


If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Quotation of Steven Wright


If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Quotation of Steven Wright


If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Quotation of Steven Wright


If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Quotation of Steven Wright


In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Quotation of Steven Wright


It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Quotation of Steven Wright


It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Quotation of Steven Wright


It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Quotation of Steven Wright


It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Quotation of Steven Wright


My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Quotation of Steven Wright


My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Quotation of Steven Wright


My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Quotation of Steven Wright


My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Quotation of Steven Wright


My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
Quotation of Steven Wright


My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Quotation of Steven Wright


On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Quotation of Steven Wright


So, do you live around here often?
Quotation of Steven Wright


Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
Quotation of Steven Wright


The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Quotation of Steven Wright


The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Quotation of Steven Wright


The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
Quotation of Steven Wright


There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Quotation of Steven Wright


There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Quotation of Steven Wright


What a nice night for an evening.
Quotation of Steven Wright


What's another word for Thesaurus?
Quotation of Steven Wright


When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Quotation of Steven Wright


When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Quotation of Steven Wright


When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Quotation of Steven Wright


When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Quotation of Steven Wright


When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Quotation of Steven Wright


Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Quotation of Steven Wright


Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Quotation of Steven Wright


You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Quotation of Steven Wright


 
 
Steven Wright Events

Celebrities outside the Ed Sullivan Theater for the 'Late Show With David Letterman'-01.06.09

2009-06-01

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