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Dave Barry QUOTES / QUOTATIONS
A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Quotation of Dave Barry
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Quotation of Dave Barry
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Quotation of Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Quotation of Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Quotation of Dave Barry
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Quotation of Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Quotation of Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Quotation of Dave Barry
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Quotation of Dave Barry
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
Quotation of Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Quotation of Dave Barry
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
Quotation of Dave Barry
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
Quotation of Dave Barry
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Quotation of Dave Barry
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Quotation of Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Quotation of Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Quotation of Dave Barry
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
Quotation of Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Quotation of Dave Barry
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Quotation of Dave Barry
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Quotation of Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Quotation of Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Quotation of Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Quotation of Dave Barry
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Quotation of Dave Barry
MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz.
Quotation of Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Quotation of Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Quotation of Dave Barry
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Quotation of Dave Barry
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Quotation of Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Quotation of Dave Barry
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Quotation of Dave Barry
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Quotation of Dave Barry
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
Quotation of Dave Barry
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
Quotation of Dave Barry
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Quotation of Dave Barry
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Quotation of Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Quotation of Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Quotation of Dave Barry
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Quotation of Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
Quotation of Dave Barry