Emo Philips quotes, quotations, poems, phrases, words
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Emo Philips Quotes / Quotations


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Emo Philips QUOTES / QUOTATIONS
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Quotation of Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Because we allow handguns. when you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
Quotation of Emo Philips
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Quotation of Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Quotation of Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Quotation of Emo Philips
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Quotation of Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Quotation of Emo Philips
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Quotation of Emo Philips
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Quotation of Emo Philips
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Quotation of Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Quotation of Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Quotation of Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Quotation of Emo Philips
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Quotation of Emo Philips
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Quotation of Emo Philips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Quotation of Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Quotation of Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Quotation of Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Quotation of Emo Philips
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Quotation of Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Quotation of Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Quotation of Emo Philips