Erma Bombeck quotes, quotations, poems, phrases, words
famous authors, famous people, famous celebrities
PROFILE | PICTURES | NET WORTH | NEWS | VIDEOS | BIO | | QUOTES
Home > > Erma Bombeck > Quotes

Erma Bombeck Quotes / Quotations


Sponsored link:
Erma Bombeck QUOTES / QUOTATIONS
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Children make your life important.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
God created man, but I could do better.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Time is 18 years.''
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Quotation of Erma Bombeck