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Groucho Marx Quotes / Quotations


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Groucho Marx QUOTES / QUOTATIONS
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Humor is reason gone mad.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Quotation of Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Quotation of Groucho Marx