Mitch Hedberg quotes, quotations, poems, phrases, words
famous authors, famous people, famous celebrities
PROFILE | PICTURES | NET WORTH | NEWS | VIDEOS | BIO | | QUOTES
Home > > Mitch Hedberg > Quotes

Mitch Hedberg Quotes / Quotations


Sponsored link:
Mitch Hedberg QUOTES / QUOTATIONS
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they just thought we were "okay."
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it; he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
If you can convince an American that they are in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you're not ugly.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Maybe they can add some laughs to that joke.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
That joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
These lights are pretty bright, kinda makes me wanna grow weed again.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg
Your curveball won't curve. Because you're twelve.
Quotation of Mitch Hedberg