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Phyllis Diller Quotes / Quotations


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Phyllis Diller QUOTES / QUOTATIONS
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Quotation of Phyllis Diller