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Tim Vine QUOTES / QUOTATIONS
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
Quotation of Tim Vine
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
Quotation of Tim Vine
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Quotation of Tim Vine
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
Quotation of Tim Vine
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Quotation of Tim Vine
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Quotation of Tim Vine
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Quotation of Tim Vine
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Quotation of Tim Vine
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
Quotation of Tim Vine
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Quotation of Tim Vine
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
Quotation of Tim Vine
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Quotation of Tim Vine
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Quotation of Tim Vine
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Quotation of Tim Vine